Rongguang Harbin City, Heilongjiang Province
In 1991, by the grace of God, I began to follow prayed I was frequently moved by the to the point of weeping. That sweetness in my heart, that enjoyment was as if a joyous event had come upon me. Particularly in get-togethers during the great work of the Holy Spirit, I felt as if I had transcended the flesh and I was living in the third heaven, that everything belonging to the world had been cast to the winds. I can’t say how joyful, how happy I was in my heart. I felt that I was the happiest person in the world. So at that time I believed that believing in God was just enjoying His grace.because of an illness. At that time I didn’t know anything about believing in God, but the interesting thing is that, when eating and drinking of the words expressed by Almighty God, I enjoyed it. I felt that His words were so good, and when I sang or
As more and more of God’s words were being released (at the time they were being continuously sent to , passage after passage), I also knew more and more. Then, I was no longer fulfilled by merely enjoying God’s grace. When I saw “firstborn sons” mentioned in His words and I learned that God bestows great blessings on His firstborn sons, I sought to become one, hoping that in the future I could reign with God. Later on, when I saw in His words that His time was coming soon, I felt even more urgency, and thought: I started believing in God so late; will I be unable to gain this blessing? I need to put more effort into it. So when the house of God arranged for me to copy out documents, I was very proactive. I wasn’t afraid of hardship. I decided I wasn’t going to find a partner or a job so that I would be able to gain the blessing of being a firstborn son. If I could become a firstborn son, I was willing to throw anything out, to pay any price. In truth, God had never said definitively in His words that we could be firstborn sons. It was just because we were ambitious and had extravagant desires, we believed that because God had called us His “sons” and that He now uplifted us, that we would certainly become the firstborn. This was how I believed that I had, naturally, become a firstborn son. Later I saw words of God that had just been released that frequently mentioned “service-doers,” and there were more and more mentions of the of service-doers. I thought to myself: Luckily I am following Almighty God, otherwise I would become a service-doer. When I read about God’s blessings and promises for firstborn sons, I believed that a portion of that would be mine. When I read His words of comfort and exhortation for His firstborn, I also felt that they were addressed to me. I felt even more delighted particularly when I saw the following: “The great disasters will certainly not befall upon My sons, My beloved. I will look after My sons in every moment and in every second. You certainly will not endure that pain and suffering; rather, it is for the sake of the perfection of My sons and the fulfillment of My word in them, so that you may recognize My omnipotence, further grow in life, shoulder burdens for Me sooner, and devote your entire selves for the completion of My management plan. You should be glad and happy and rejoice because of this. I will hand over everything to you, allowing you to take control. I will place it in your hands. If a son inherits his father’s entire estate, how much more so with you, My firstborn sons? You are truly blessed. Instead of suffering from the great disasters, you will enjoy everlasting blessings. What glory! What glory!” (“The Sixty-eighth Utterance” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). I thought: Am I dreaming? Such incredible manna from heaven has landed upon me? I couldn’t completely dare to believe it, but I was afraid my brothers and sisters would say that my faith was too small, so I didn’t dare to not believe it.
One day, I excitedly went to participate in a meeting, and I saw that two workers had come to the church. When I was in fellowship with them, they said that they were service-doers. After hearing this, I was shocked, and asked them: “If you are service-doers, aren’t we all service-doers?” They spoke without holding back: “Nearly all of us in China are service-doers.” Hearing them say this, my heart sank. It couldn’t be! Is this the truth? But when I saw their heavy, pained expressions and that the others’ faces were also very somber, I couldn’t not believe it. But then I changed my mind and thought: As workers, they had given up their families and careers, had suffered so much and paid such a great price for God’s work. I was quite lacking compared to them; if they are service-doers, what else could I say? A service-doer is a service-doer, so at the time, I didn’t feel too terrible.
After going home, I once again took up the word of God and looked at what God had to say about service-doers, and I saw this: “Those who do service for Me, listen! You can receive some of My grace when doing service for Me. That is, you will know for a time about My later work and the things that will happen in the future, but you will absolutely not enjoy that. This is My grace. When your service is complete, leave at once and do not linger. Those who are My firstborn sons should not be arrogant, but you may be proud, for I have bestowed endless blessings upon you. Those who are targets for destructions should not bring trouble on yourselves or feel sorrow for your destiny; who made you a descendant of Satan? After you have done your service for Me, you may once again return to the bottomless pit because you will no longer be of use to Me and I shall begin to deal with you with My chastisement. Once I begin My work I do not ever stop; what I do shall be accomplished and what I accomplish shall last forever. This is applicable to My firstborn sons, My sons, My people, and this goes for you as well—My chastisements of you are everlasting” (“The Eighty-sixth Utterance” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). As soon as I read these words I was beset by a pain I had never felt before. I quickly closed the book of God’s words and didn’t dare to look at it again. In one moment feelings of aggrievement, of confusion, of discontent all welled up in my heart at once. I thought: Yesterday I was in a cradle of happiness, but today I have been pushed out of God’s house. Yesterday I was God’s son, but today I have become God’s enemy, Satan’s descendant. Yesterday, the limitless blessings of God were awaiting me, but today the bottomless pit is my destination, and I will be punished into eternity. If He’s not bestowing blessings, then no matter, but why does He still have to chastise me? What on earth have I done wrong? What on earth is all of this for? I wasn’t willing to face this reality; I was unable to face this type of reality. I closed my eyes and wasn’t willing to think about it anymore. I hoped so much that it was just a dream.
From then on, as soon as I thought of myself as a service-doer, I felt an unspeakable pain in my heart, and I didn’t dare to read the words of God again. But God is very wise, and His words which chastise and reveal people are not only permeated with mystery, but there are also prophecies of the future catastrophe as well as the kingdom outlook and similar things. These were all things that I wanted to know, so I still could not turn my back on His words. When reading God’s words, His razor-sharp words repeatedly pierced my heart, and I couldn’t help but accept His judgment and chastisement. I felt that the majestic wrath of God’s judgment was always upon me. Aside from the pain, I knew the actual truth of my having been corrupted by Satan. It turned out that I was the child of the great red dragon, Satan’s descendant, and the target of destruction. In despair, I no longer dared to greedily hope for any blessings, and I was willing to accept God’s predestination that I was a service-doer. When I felt that I could put my heart into being a service-doer, God once again brought out some things that had been hidden in me. One day when reading God’s words, I saw: “After I have returned to Zion, those on earth will continue to praise Me as in the past. Those loyal service-doers remain waiting to render service to Me but their function will have come to an end. The best that they can do is to contemplate the circumstance of Me being on the earth. At that time I will begin to bring down disaster upon those who will suffer calamity, but just as[a] all believe that I am a righteous God, I will certainly not punish those loyal service-doers and they will only receive My grace” (“The One Hundred and Twentieth Utterance” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Seeing this, I secretly thought to myself: I will no longer think of the birthright of the firstborn and I will no longer want great blessings. Now I will only pursue being a devout service-doer. This is now my sole pursuit. In the future, no matter what the household of God arranges for me to do, I will do it as devoutly as I can. I absolutely cannot lose the opportunity to be a devout service-doer again. If I am not even capable of being a devout service-doer but am simply a service-doer, after I have completed my service I must return to the bottomless pit or the lake of fire and brimstone. In that case what is it all for? Then it’s better to not believe! I didn’t dare to express this thought to anyone, but I couldn’t escape the searching from the eyes of God. God used words as sharp as swords to pierce my heart and cut open my soul. His words were: “No one can fathom the nature of man except Me, and they all think that they are ‘loyal’ to Me, not knowing that their ‘loyalty’ is impure. These impurities will ruin people for they are a scheme of the great red dragon. It was long ago laid bare by Me; I am the almighty God, and would I not understand something so simple? I am able to penetrate your blood and your flesh to see your intentions. It is not hard for Me to fathom man’s nature, but people try to be smart alecks, thinking that no one but themselves know their intentions. Don’t they know that the almighty God exists within the heavens and earth and all things?” “Most people now harbor a small hope, but when that hope turns to disappointment they become unwilling to go any further and ask to turn back. I have said before that I don’t keep anyone here against their will, but take care to think about what the consequences will be for you, and this is a fact, it is not Me threatening you” (“The One Hundred and Eighteenth Utterance” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). After reading this, my heart was pounding. I felt that God truly does see into every facet of man’s being. We think of something and God knows; we secretly hold some little hope in our hearts and God is disgusted; He does not allow this. Only at that time did I have a bit of a heart of reverence for God. I determined that I would no longer conduct transactions with God, but I would honestly act as a service-doer and obey His designs.